105 Dilruk Jayasinha_S Challenges In Breaking Self Destructive Habits

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I'm Mike Boris and this is Straight Talk.

It was a rock bottom that just kept getting deeper.

Until finally I was like, fuck it, I have to do something here, because otherwise I know how this is going to end, and it's not pretty.

Dilruk.

Dilruk.

Dilruk.

Joy Singer.

Can anyone guess why a kid in the Sri Lanka in the 90s would have hated Australia?

Sri Lanka's hopes of winning this toast came to a dramatic end.

Not only is this guy capable of destroying Sri Lanka's batting lineup, Warnie might root mum.

I need to prove myself.

And turns out that being able to scull a pint in four seconds.

Was like, I had gone from a week of no one knowing who the fuck I was at all, to a week later, and some random goes, hey, are you the Sri Lankan guy that can scull pints?

This is not a healthy way to live.

Do you think you've been chasing reward systems all your life?

Shit, what a good question.

Food is this massive blind spot of mine.

When my life feels out of balance, you feel like you are not in control of what's happening in your life.

Choosing a destructive behavior feels like.

I'm still in control.

It's this constant wrestle.

Is this what I've signed up to?

To constantly keep fucking up in life and then sharing it in a humorous way.

I need to learn how to not disappoint myself.

Dear Rook, Joy Singer, welcome to Straight Talk.

How do I go?

Very good.

Actually, it's like I said, when you gave it a like a raw grow as well, just to see how you go.

And I said, you're very close.

It's just as an invisible G that my ancestors have dropped, but it needs to be pronounced because it's Joy Singer.

It's like someone singing songs.

And you said earlier on, earlier this morning, I want to ask you why the fuck they bothered dropping a G.

Why did they?

I know, it's so frustrating.

And I'll tell you what's more frustrating for me is because my first name is technically Ishan, but I've never used it.

It's some astrologer or astronomer, whichever one is the one that's a bit less scientifically backed one.

My parents went to one of them and they said, oh, this child can't have D in his first name.

It has to be the first name has to start with I or something.

So that's never been a problem in Sri Lanka because in Sri Lanka, we have.

Quite a few people with a bunch of names before the given name.

So like Charminder Vass, the famous cricketer, he has like Varnakula Surya, Upasanta, Pattabhandige, Joseph, Charminder Vass, like it's huge long name.

So it's quite common in Sri Lanka, but over here, everyone wants your first name.

So bank details, everything, rental agreements, always Ishan.

And sometimes I get put on flights where they booked me as Dilruk, but I can't get my frequent flyer.

So what does your passport say?

So it's Ishan, Ishan Dilruk Diaz Joy Singer.

So, but Dilruk is your middle name.

Well.

It's just the name I've always used, Ishan.

So in Sri Lanka, it's quite common to have a first name.

That's kind of like how we treat, you know, the middle names here.

It's just there for some reason, you know, and it's, it really annoys me to the point where I think I might drop my, like officially change my name to just Dilruk to be the first one.

Well, given that Aussies always want to shorten names, I mean, if you experienced anything in, in Australia, have you experienced anyone trying to shorten your name?

Like Delhi or Ruki or.

Oh, absolutely.

That was like literally within the first.

Two days of uni or something like that.

I said Dilruk and Dilruk is actually, it's quite easy when you break it down, but it's just a collection of consonants that shouldn't be next to each other.

So close, like LKR, you know, it's like throws people off.

So I got Dil a lot, but it took about 10 months before I was at the Caulfield Cup.

One of my mates took me to the races for the first time and his mom was there.

She'd had a few champagnes and he's like, oh, this is my friend Dil.

And she's like, Dil, oh, that's an unfortunate name.

And I was like, wait, why?

Why is Dil?

Because of like, she's like, oh, because it means.

You're stupid.

And I was like, what?

I didn't know that, that I've been going around calling myself a Dil and all my mates.

I don't know whether they're laughing behind my back or not, but now it's stuck and I'm kind of embracing it now.

Rookie is just as bad.

Yeah, Rookie, not bad.

I actually nearly called, there's a Sunrise weatherman, Sam Mack.

He's given me a show title called Dil Rookie Errors or Dil Rookie Mistakes.

And I'm like, I might one day do a show like that, like just a fun little title, you know, because I've always done a Dil pun.

I've never done a Rook pun.

I'm always making Rookie Errors with my kids.

And I often say, and I do say stupid things.

And I go, that's my, they always have a crack at me on, we're like a group chat.

They always have a crack at me.

And my response always is Rookie Error.

Yeah, right.

So you don't want to be Rookie.

So can I just go back a little bit?

Sure.

So I'm born in Sri Lanka.

Born in Colombo, yeah, Sri Lanka.

Born in Colombo, yep.

Just give us a bit of a thing about, like talk to me about Colombo, like in terms of you being a young kid growing up there.

Because I've been there, I have a recollection of it.

Yeah.

But just not many people have been there.

Yeah.

So I think my perspective of my childhood is different to what it would be in general, purely because I grew up in, during the war, you know, so the civil war.

And from the time I was born, that was the reality.

Explain the civil war.

So the civil war was between the, essentially the Sri Lankan government versus the Tamil rebellion, you know.

And so the Tamil Tigers, that was the name of the rebellion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This was all was kicking off.

Lots of bombings.

Lots of bombings.

So, you know, when I think back to 1995, I think, yeah, I was in, I was 10 years old and we had like six months off school because there was a bomb threat to the schools.

Yeah.

And people are like, oh, that's so sad and crazy.

But I was 10, which meant that I had six months to just watch Baywatch.

And I was loving life.

You know what I mean?

That's why I was like, my God, Pamela Anderson while having breakfast.

This is the best ever, you know?

So just it's this funny thing when it's only when I zoom out.

zoom out, look back that I realized how hectic it was, because otherwise it's just your reality.

You know, you're just used to, you just know not to, you know, I remember even a couple of years

ago when someone pointed out how parents, if they had two children, the dad would go with one child,

the mom would go with another child in different buses in case one of the buses blew up, at least

one of the kids survived, like that kind of thinking. It's just crazy to think that's what

we grew up with. And, you know, if there was a bomb attack, the news and the newspapers would

have graphic pictures of all of that, whereas we would never show kissing on screens. And I'm all

like, now as a 38 year old who's lived in Australia for 20 years now, I look back and go,

well, how bizarre that they're like, no, no, no, we can't show kissing, but this severed head. Yeah,

sure, sure. Let the kids see that, you know? So just, if you just mind, give me a little

bit of a history help here. Yeah. The Tamil Tigers were a rebel group, but it was, was it

religious based? Because the Tamils came out of the bottom, didn't they come out of the original

bottom of India? Yeah, so north of Sri Lanka, bottom of India. But the Tamil and Sinhalese

wars have been going on for thousands of years. So that, that particular, you know, from, from the

south of India, there's been invasions and things like that. But this was the more politically post

independence. Right. When, when the British left, they kind of, I'm very vague on the details and

I'm very hesitant to talk too much details about it because my, again, like I said, I grew up in a

country where we were just told the one side of the story, you know, it was, it's only now that

I've come to Australia and I have friends whose parents literally had to flee their own home

country because of threat of, to their lives. You know what I mean? And, you know, the narrative is

all of a sudden you're hearing a completely broader story than what I was told when I was in,

you know, a 10 year old or whatever. But, but generally it was a post independence. Some of

the policies that were implemented was very much unfavorable to the Tamil population. And so there

has been built and built and built and then became an all out war. So it's fascinating for me to think

back at my childhood. Like for example, when my girlfriend at the time back in 2006, so, you know,

while ago, went back to Sri Lanka with me and say, if we're sitting here, Mark, like this,

I would say to that wall. So what is that? Like, I don't know, 10 meters away would be two guys

with AK-47s, like in, around in front of my house. But that's where the bomb,

um, what'd you call a checkpoint was. So for me, I never thought of how weird is it that every day

I stepped out to go to school from the age of, you know, four or whatever, there were two dudes

with AK-47s right in front of my house, you know, but that's all your reality is.

But it is somewhat relevant today because we've seen what's going on in, um, in Gaza. And, um,

and, and we think it's shocking. It is shocking, but, um, probably it's got a little bit further

than normal, but generally speaking, prior to what happened recently,

that's their lifestyle. And to them, it's normal. It's, it's, it's a funny thing to call it normal

because on the one hand, it's just like, it's, it's the only reality I knew, you know? Uh, and,

you know, if you're going to the airport, for example, you allocated one hour, at least for,

uh, airport checks, like, cause on the way there, there'll be long queues where they,

you know, checking the cars for bombs and things like that. That's an extra hour

added onto your, as it is, you know, your airport commute, you know? So those things, uh,

bizarre for me to look back on. So like, for example, when people talk about like,

you know, getting annoyed at getting pulled aside at the random checks or whatever, I'm like,

nothing. Yeah. So I don't know, like, I'm not saying that I'm glad I went through those

experiences because it has kind of given me an appreciation for what freedom and peace of mind

of traveling, like would feel like, which is true. I do like in Australia, like for example,

with my Aussie mates, whenever they go on a rant about like, you know,

the government is, you know, fucked and this, it's the worst government and stuff. I'm like,

look, you can criticize the government. That's fine. I completely respect that. But to go as

far as to say it's the worst, or this is corruption. And it's, I'm like, you haven't seen

anything. So for me in a weird way, I have a little bit of gratitude, I guess, for that

perspective. Not that I'm glad I went through it as such, but given that I did, it helps me

navigate the challenges in a more developed world and a developed system.

I mean, I am trying to sort of work out, you know, who you are, who Duroc is, and a lot of those

are based on your experiences. Because one of the things I noticed, I mean, I have visited

Sri Lanka. And one of the things I remember is this, and I'm still a pen pal to this now woman,

she'd be maybe 40 now, but she's married with kids. But one of the things I found out when I

was there was that if, and this is a cultural thing, but if you have daughters, if you have

daughters, if you want them to be married, you have to give them a dowry, you have to actually

give them some, you have to give some land away or some, some property away. This is what I was

getting told. And, and if you have all daughters and you've got no money, you're the dad, mom and

dad, and you've got, you don't have any assets of your own, it's very difficult to marry your

daughter off. And a lot of the girls end up in prostitution, end up in, or really slavish sort

of jobs, you know, like they're pretty much cleaners or, you know.

When did you go to club?

I'm talking about 2002, maybe even before that, I think it might've been 2000. And, and I actually

met this young girl and became a pen pal of hers, which she asked me to become a pen pal. You know,

ultimately I ended up sending her money and stuff like that, but it doesn't matter. And because the

people who were running the place that I was staying at, they were Australians actually,

and they told me the story and, and I'll never forget it, but she was such a polite, lovely

person. Now I'm so glad she old.

I mean, got married and has kids of her own and all that sort of stuff. She still writes to me till

every, my birthday, her birthday, Christmas, our Christmas, you know, she writes, just writes a

little letter, handwritten, told me how she's going, sent me some photos of her family. And,

and it's, it's quite nice. I mean, but I, I got a bit of a shock though about this different

culture, which, you know, growing up in a place like that to experience that is pretty unusual.

And when you come here,

you're, you're in for a shock, the shock's here.

There is its own kind of level of kind of shock of going, oh, so I, uh, similar to that way of

thinking, it, it, what happened to me was when I moved to Australia for university. So my dad and

mom, so I came here to, to, to get a degree in, um, accounting and finance. And I think

effectively the plan was to leave after three years and go back and get a job in Sri Lanka,

but I fell in love with Melbourne. That's where I've lived most of my Australian life. And

I, I, I did get distracted though. I got, you know, I wasn't a drinker back in Sri Lanka. And

then all of a sudden here, I'm away from my parents for the first time and just got really

stuck. And then it turns out I'm great at drinking, not just like, like I could, I was able

to finish a pint of beer in four seconds and drink for Australia. Yeah. I, I honestly represented

Australia against the USA in these boat races and things like that. Yeah. At uni, obviously,

but it was like, it was like representing the country and, uh, I'll never forget it. I'm

actually quite proud of it, even though it's been seven years since I picked up booze because I, I, I,

it got so bad that I had to quit, but, uh, at the time it was something I'm proud of, which is we

were doing these boat races of like six Americans versus three Aussies. And, um, I actually didn't

even have my citizenship at the time, but I've claimed myself as an Aussie and we had two pints

to their, no two pots, half pint to their six, you know, individual, but we had finished us so

quickly that still there too was still left that I grabbed both of theirs, drank that as well.

And then said, welcome to Australia, like got this huge chair. And these are these frat boys with

like the stereotypical. So I did feel like I was representing Australia in drinking at the time.

But I, the reason I bring that up is because it's only later on that I felt this huge, massive hit

of guilt of thinking about the amount of sacrifices my dad had to make in order for me to get to

Australia. And then for him to be able to pay for rent, for food, for a full fee, he paid the full

fee for me. You know, it was because I was such a studious kid back in Sri Lanka. Like I was the

type of kid that if I didn't get a hundred formats, I'd have a cry because I'm like, oh man,

I was so close to a hundred, you know, like that's how much I gave a shit about studying. And then I

come here and become a piss head. And so I carry this guilt because I hear like the stories of your

friend who is a pen pal, the pen pal friend of yours, you know, these opportunities aren't there

for them. And, and the system or the, the complete coincidence that they were born into a family that

did not have a dad like mine meant that she might have to take her life down a path that's less safe.

Yep. For lack of a better word.

Safety was the issue. Yeah.

That's what got me the lack of safety.

Right. The lack of safety. Right. And whereas here, here I am someone who, you know,

it was not like the money even came easy to dad, dad couldn't retire until I finished graduating.

And yet I had no sense of appreciation for the, the cards that were dealt for me and how good

those cards were. And it's taken a lot of time to kind of process that and alleviate the guilt and,

and shame or whatever around it and just go, okay, yeah, you took a scenic route,

but you've,

you've actually come good. It's okay. Don't beat yourself up because I, you know,

I do still like think about, man, like I remember watching an interview with Malala,

you know, and she's talking about how she just wanted to go to school and she got shot in a bus

because they were trying to stop the girls from going to school. And I'm at my lunch break and

my accountant, I used to be an accountant and the accounting office hung over from the night before,

whatever, just at my lunch break. And I'm bawling my eyes out at my desk going,

this poor girl had to literally dodge bullets to go, you know, get an education to read a book.

To do what you did quite easily.

To, to do what I just literally pissed away. I would just, you know, I would not really go to

the classes. I would, because knock on wood, being someone who's able to study quickly,

I was like, ah, I just need to pass. Like, I don't need to nail this because, you know,

and so the rest of the time I was partying and, you know, drinking and enjoying my life on campus.

And then the last month before the exam, I would buckle down. And one of my worst efforts was,

um, for the subject corporate law. I went for the first lecture and it was two hours long,

and it was so dry that I'm like, bugger that, I'm not coming back for this. But because I'm

an international student, I can't afford to just, uh, be, I have to have a full load. That's part

of my visa requirement. I couldn't drop the subject. So I didn't go for a class until the

final week, which is week 12. And the week 12, she was like, the lecturer was like, oh, focus on this,

focus on that, blah, blah, blah. And the night before the exam, I just downloaded all 24 hours

worth of lectures, listened to it in double speed, just making quick notes. Didn't sleep at all that

night. It was like nearly 12 hours of just listening, listening, listening, listening, listening,

to audio books, went to an exam, uh, and passed literally by studying only like the 24 hours

before. And to stay up, I had to invent a drink called a Barofi, which is a Barocca and a coffee.

It was disgusting, man. It was horrible. Like you literally have it, you fall to the ground,

convulse because of how gross it is, but then you're up for a good four hours. I don't recommend

it to anyone watching. This is not a healthy way to live. But I did remember feeling like

a hero for passing something that, you know, reward. Well, just, I, I, I, like,

did a whole, basically I had friends who failed from going to every single class yet here, I was

able to hack the system. But the reality is that this is, it was pathetic. It was, I'm, I'm really

annoyed at myself now. At the time I thought, oh, look how cool I am. I managed to, you know, do the,

do this entire syllabus, this subject in, in, in, in 12 hours, you know, and passed. And,

you know, I've got the same degree as someone who studied every single day of that semester.

But now looking back, I'm embarrassed by it,

because it's like the, the reward is in the effort, not the result. Do you know what I mean?

Like for me, the fact that I got given such a great opportunity to, to really, you know,

excel. And I said, fuck that, I'm getting drunk. I'm embarrassed by it. You know what I mean?

But did you, but do you, but do you, I mean, it's interesting, you know,

did you live a life in Sri Lanka before you come to Australia to go to university? Did you live a

life, not repressed, but like in terms of, was it a-

A bit stricter?

Highly disciplined?

With any household?

Kinda, yeah. Look, we had a very loving, so I have a very confusing background in the sense that my

dad's Buddhist, my mom's Muslim. They, dad worked overseas, still married to date, but he worked

overseas. So we grew up with mom's side of the family who were all Muslim. And we were in this

big house, 14 of us in the one house. And my brother and I were the only non-Muslims,

which is weird in itself, because you feel like a minority at home.

You were non-Muslim?

I was non-Muslim, yeah.

So you were Buddhist?

Buddhist, essentially raised Buddhist.

After my dad, but because of the, for whatever reason, mom and dad sent me to a Catholic school, so I was a minority there as well.

So I think those contributed to this idea of, I need to prove myself, you know, every, every single time.

There was like my grandma, I adore her, I love her so much, mom's mom, but there was definitely a sense of, there was no unconditional love.

Like there was this sense of like, you know, I felt like-

I felt like an outsider, because I wasn't barracking for the same team that they all were.

Is that, is that a big thing in Sri Lanka, the-

Oh, it was like very controversial for mom to marry someone outside the faith. This is the 1970s.

And was it controversial for your dad to marry someone else?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had to kind of elope and stuff like that. Everyone's fine now. Now it's like, you know, all gone. But at the time, it was very, very controversial for, you know, my dad always did the right thing. He tried to get permission and everything. He never, he always maintained my mom's dignity.

Yeah.

But in the end, it was just like, well, we just have to elope because, you know, they're not giving their blessings kind of thing. But that's another whole story, Mark, about the feeling that I had was because my brother was a super studious guy. He was, you know, five years older, you know, even ended up working in hedge funds in Monaco, you know, at the age of 23. He was like, I think he started off entry level and within six months had, you know, not six months, maybe about a year brought in more money into the fund than the actual head of marketing had.

So they fired this.

So they fired this 50-year-old dude and hired this 24-year-old guy because, and he just absolutely dominated. So I was always, had him, he's my best mate in the world. However, he set the standard so high that even my little crazy chaotic way of doing things was constantly scrutinized. So I think in terms of your question about discipline, it wasn't so much, I guess it is a little bit of like pressure, peer pressure.

Expectations.

Expectations.

But it was kind of this.

It was just organic, I guess, because I grew up with it. Like that idea. So from the age of nine, I would get up at 4.30 in the morning to study because we lived in Colombo on one of the main streets where it was really busy and noisy. And there's always traffic till 10pm. So there's the window. And also in my house, you know, there was all these cousins and stuff were running around playing who didn't take studies as seriously as we did. So the window that my brother and I had to study was past 10 o'clock or before school starts, you know.

So it was really weird when I look back as a nine year old, the fact that I had that level of discipline or drive to study hard that I'll wake up at 4.30. And I even remember asking mom, there was this weird green little rattle like for babies. I said, because she promised me that if I get a certain average that she'll buy me this Sega Game Gear device or whatever, you know, a 90% or something if I get it. And I said, Okay, can you wake me up with this green rattle? Because it's such an odd noise that will remind me I'm like, what's that noise? I'm like, Oh, that's right. I need the Game Gear.

Like, I made an association with the rattle and the Game Gear at the age of nine. Like, I honestly don't know where I even got that idea. But now looking back with all these habit forming books that I've been reading, I'm like, Oh, my God, I was nailing it back as a nine year old. So she would rattle the thing and I would go, Oh, that is not a sign to study that is a sign to get the Game Gear. So then it was I'd drawn the link between my effort now and the reward later. So I was always that had that discipline. And in terms of drinking and things like that.

Because I was trying to work out is that like some sort of either rebellion or a celebration of no longer having that expectation hanging at the top of you?

Yeah, I don't know exactly. But it was a rebellion as much as it was just an alternative that I did not know was there for me, you know, because I never considered myself a party guy. I didn't know I my friends used to, like go out and try and meet girls and all those kinds of things. But I was never the party guy.

I was always debating club drama club, you know, like crying after math exams. And no, no, no, no, Sri Lanka. Sorry, this is all Sri Lanka. I didn't come to Australia where I have no friends don't know anybody, and desperate to fit in. And turns out that being able to scull a pint in four seconds was like was was something that made like I had gone from a week of no one knowing who the fuck I was at all to a week later, I'd be at a pub in Armidale in Victoria and some random goes, Hey, are you the Sri Lankan guy that can scull pints?

Can you scull my jug and show my friend and like, like a circus act, I was like sculling beers in front of everyone, and they'd all cheer. So you can imagine a 19 year old who's trying to like, feel at home somewhere new in a new country that is, you know, is, you know, big and dominating as Australia can feel, especially to, to a fan of cricket, you know,

because I take where I'm going with all this is because it's interesting, you talked about the little rattle thing.

You would associate reward with that, with that sound.

Yeah.

You weren't associating the fact that I had to get up and do some studying, you were associating with reward.

Then you go on to say later on, when you come to Australia, your four second pint was associated with reward because people recognize you and they accepted you, which is the reward.

That's an important mental reward.

Yeah, like a tribal thing.

I'm allowed, I'm welcome in the tribe, and I'm safe.

I'm in, you're correct.

And then, you know, it's well documented that, you know, you had a

a weight problem.

Yes.

Well documented.

But food is one of those things that attaches to your reward center as well.

Massively.

Big time.

Like, you know, you, you get, you know, your, your brain pushes all sorts of great chemistry out into your, into your system.

And then you, and these reward centers like pinging because you're eating sweet stuff or you're eating lots of stuff or whatever the case may be, in which case, and the, the, but the outcome of that is you put weight on.

It's not a positive reward system, but it's nonetheless a reward system.

Do you think you've been chasing reward systems all your life?

Yeah, for sure.

Being a comedian is by the way, is a reward as well.

Oh, a hundred percent.

You laugh at my jokes.

Thank you very much.

I'll give you, I'll give you the origin story of both of those.

There's a direct link between a lot of what happened as a child to who I am today.

So for example, the food, let's take that, that in spite of all the therapy and every sort of talk therapy, kinesiology, all kinds of things that I'm working through, it's still the one that I still don't have my hands on.

The steering wheel on completely, like booze wise, seven years sober, no dramas.

Or what made you stop booze?

What, tell me about that.

Booze, oh, just, no, it was a series of just looking over the, like it, it went from, I'll, I'll, I'll come to booze.

We'll go step by step.

So, so, so I'll put the booze thing first of all, which is that it was larrikin, quote unquote, larrikin behavior that was cute and funny as a 20 year old that I never outgrew.

And then all of a sudden I'm 32 years old and still trying to find like, oh, how hilarious.

I passed out and got chucked in a divvy van.

Like that was kind of funny when I was an international student back in, you know, going, oh, and Sri Lankan in a divvy van and all like, you're a full Aussie now, mate.

And those types of things, or even when getting my citizenship, even the immigration lawyer was like, oh, shows that you've assimilated great stuff.

You know, like all this kind of fun.

And then suddenly I'm 32 years old and I'm still doing that shit and no one's laughing anymore.

It's just a liability.

And it just became gross.

And I was embarrassed at the guy I was becoming because it was just a little, oh, it's like, boy.

You know, a kid from Sri Lanka, he's, you know, just learning the ropes a bit, let him go a bit loose.

That went for 12 years.

That's where it was a rock bottom that just kept getting deeper and deeper until finally I was like, fuck it, I have to do something here because otherwise I know how this is going to end.

And it's not pretty, you know.

In terms of the overeating, though, that's the one that I still struggle with because unlike booze where I went cold turkey, just cut it all off.

It was easy to go zero.

With food, there's a joke.

Even a salad is like a gateway drug because you start off well with the salad and then you move on to Caesar salad with croutons.

And then you're like, ah, what's the difference between croutons and a hamburger?

You know, you just before you know it, you're full knee deep in kebabs again.

Right.

But that comes from grandma who was a massive like she used to have a catering company.

She loved her cooking and she was proud of how much demand her food was.

So when I ate her food, that was her reward system going.

Oh.

Look, her sense of pride came from seeing how much I enjoyed the food.

So she sees that and rewards me with love and affection that I felt like I was missing out on because of the religious difference.

So she's putting her hand on my back saying, what a good boy.

Well done for eating so much.

Yeah, thanks for making me feel good.

Right.

And whereas as a child, I'm thinking, oh, if I'm getting protection from the matriarch, if I want protection from the matriarch and her love, I have to eat a lot.

So even now, 38 years later, you know, when in spite of having a heart attack and all kinds of stuff.

I'm still like, oh, I feel sad and alone.

So I need to overeat.

That way I'll feel better.

And it's such a cycle that I go through because once I overeat, there's a shame.

The shame then just starts yelling at me going, you should be, you know, how disgusting of you to eat so much.

And then you feel sad again.

And so you go back into eating gelato.

And so for me, I realized to hijack the system.

This is genuinely my where's my phone got like my wallpaper on my phone is a photo of me as a kid, because to remind myself when I do have that shame spiral that when I'm yelling at myself, it is.

This four year old version of me playing Lego or three years old playing Lego, that's getting yelled at.

So to be kind to that version of myself, I literally have to carry a photo of myself as a baby to be kind, because that's the direct link between my overeating and and the childhood pain, I guess, or the wound with the comedy.

It comes back to dad, which is dad was working overseas whenever he was in town.

He used to be the center of attention among his groups of friends.

You know, everyone's like hanging off his every word as he was telling joke after joke.

And.

And I wanted to obviously break into the circle and he would let me into the circle whenever I had a joke to tell or something like that.

And my brother, who I mentioned before, be my best mate.

Whenever I made him laugh, he would go to mom's handbag and give me 10 rupees.

And if it was a really good joke, he'd give me 20.

So, again, all this was like happening when I was five, six years old.

Rewards.

Rewards again.

Right.

So comedy to me has been this thing, which, again, I would say I've been able to take essentially an annoying party trait, which is trying.

To be the center of attention, trying to get everyone to like him and be funny and not give anyone else this, you know, the platform that is an insecurity that would have been annoying and was going unchecked in my accounting years.

But now that I've got an outlet, I'm actually much more like pleasant to be around because I feel that void of whatever, you know, a reward that I get from performing.

It happens on a nightly basis so that when I'm in real life, I can switch off and actually be interested in someone else rather than trying to sell my own self.

And that's so it seems to me.

It happens to all of us.

But throughout our lives, we get rewarded by family, friends, also intellectually ourselves.

We get rewarded.

We feel good about things.

And it actually does drive a lot of behavior in the future.

Why do you think, did your family ever reward you for how well you did at school, for example?

You said one example, your mom was going to get you a PlayStation or whatever it was if you got over 90.

How is it you don't think that achievements didn't trump all these other things like being a comedian or, I mean, academic achievements and or just achievements in business, for example, and to drive you in a different direction?

It's similar to say to what your brother did.

Yeah, I guess, well, two things.

Firstly, I should, to finish off on the thing about mom is that she, I didn't get the 90%.

You did not.

I did not get it, but she still.

I remember even a computer was the other reward down the track.

But her rule was, regardless of the result, if I apply myself, she will buy me the computer.

So it created this mindset for me that the reward was linked to effort, not result.

So as long as you put the work in, which we know doesn't guarantee success, but not putting the work in guarantees failure.

It's definitely necessary.

It's necessary.

It might not be sufficient.

It might not be sufficient.

It might not be efficient, but you can't have it without it.

So she kind of, again, not knowingly gave me this growth mindset, which is that as long as you work hard, forget what happens on exam day, forget what happens in the report.

But if in the lead up, you put the work in, I will reward that.

So for me, that, then you fast forward to when I started doing comedy, I was so bad at it.

Like my hands would shake, I would sweat.

And like, you know, I just feel like throwing up like constantly before going up, like out of fear of public speaking.

But because of the way mom kind of raised me, I remember loving the process of going, oh, thinking of an idea, writing it down, refining it, then rehearsing it.

And like the joy was in the work as opposed to doing the gig and then it turns out it's shit and then I'm sad.

I was like, well, it doesn't matter if it goes well or not.

I've enjoyed my little process along the way, you know, and I've never done anything that I'd enjoyed the process of as much as I did with comedy, you know.

So moms, that weird lesson, weirdly enough, created a really healthy.

Mindset for me in terms of rewards.

Now with studying, so I think it was just this thing of, we recognized that my brother and I, this is that, that, that is part of our identity.

We were the poster boys for, you know, being studious and how all our cousins would hate us.

Not even actually hate us, but their moms would be like, can't you be more like Dilshan and Dilruk?

Look at the, you know, they always get money at the prize givings and stuff like that.

And we were the benchers.

We were the benchmark for all of them.

And then you fast forward, you know, 20 years after we've graduated, I am a comedian.

Oh, so I used to be an accountant and my brother was in a hedge fund manager.

Uh, now I'm a comedian and he runs a blog, you know, so all the aunties are like, no, no, no, don't do what they did.

You know, I was like, yeah, but that was the point is that we kind of gave the corporate world a red hot, go relatively successful in, especially my brother, more so than me, he was dominating, but just realized there was more to his life.

Yeah.

I mean, he had his purpose of what he wanted to do that wasn't getting the attention in this world, you know, and that's the same thing with me.

Like I was a good accountant, uh, not so much when I worked at KPMG, by that point, I'd kind of chucked the towel in.

But before that I was someone who could apply myself and get anything done.

And I just kind of went, why?

And I remember struggling at KPMG and someone saying, oh, you know, it's hard now, but you work up the ladder and then you get to the top.

You'll be much better.

Become a partner.

Become a partner and all of that stuff.

And I remember reading Stephen Covey's book, Seven Habits.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

And there was a line in that that said, there's no point, there's no point climbing up a ladder that's leaning against the wrong wall.

And I remember that hitting me like a ton of bricks going, everyone's telling me to keep working hard to get to the top.

And I'm like, yeah, I don't want to get to that top.

Why am I struggling now to do something I don't actually want to escalate, you know?

So, whereas with comedy, even though I was absolutely shit, I was a ladder that I was happy being on.

What made you think about comedy though?

Like, why?

Why did you think I'm going to change my career from being an accountant and competent at that to becoming a comedian as a career?

I would say that's probably Hamish Nandy and Will Anderson's fault.

So I used to listen to a lot of Hamish Nandy, I mean, pretty much every day of their podcast, the radio show, I'd listen to it live.

And then the next morning while I was at the accounting firm, listen to the podcast of this show.

And, yeah, and I remember thinking going, oh,

these boys met at, you know, Melbourne Uni, the same uni I went to, and they're now, they literally did the same degree that I did.

And now they're, you know, getting paid to have fun.

And I was like, why not me?

And, and I remember seeing Will Anderson stand up and it was the first time I saw a style of comedy that was very similar to how I'm funny with my friends.

Because I didn't do characters, I didn't do impersonations or anything like that, you know?

Whereas he was, and the people I'd seen before that were like Eddie Murphy and, you know, people who do character based kind of comedy.

And I was like, oh, I didn't know you could do it, like, just tell a funny story or tell a funny observation.

So I think that's kind of where I got that idea.

I mean, I always adored the idea of stand up comedy, just looked like an incredibly cool job to do.

It's pretty scary though.

Terrifying.

I mean, like, I don't, I don't.

Absolutely terrifying for me.

I'm like, I'm comfortable now, but I'm not kidding when I said my, there's video footage of my, my hands shaking and my legs doing like an Elvis shivering thing.

You know what I mean?

So, but again, it all circles back to, to reward.

Right.

And reward and punishment.

So for me, the reward, it took me a whole year, actually, I should point out before I actually, from getting fired from my accounting job to doing stand up.

I knew I wanted to do stand up, but it took a whole year because of that fear of failure.

I'd felt like I'd failed in accounting.

And now if I go into comedy and find out I'm shit, that's another dream that I have to say is not for me, you know?

So I was too scared to try and fail, but then the fear of failure wasn't as bad as fear of never trying ever at all.

So it was easier.

It was easier to choose that, uh, I always say things are like, it's either reward is for me, the reward is either pleasure seeking or pain avoiding.

And the pain of never trying was worse than the pain of being shit at comedy.

So did you, did you call your parents and say, I've given the accounting, I've been cut from the accounting company.

I'm going to become a comedian stand up.

Yeah.

That was an interesting situation because when I first told my mom and dad, they were like, oh, great.

Especially dad.

He was like, oh, you've always been really funny.

You're going to be awesome at this.

And stuff like that.

Yeah.

Well done.

And I was like, oh, cool.

I got it.

You know?

And then I think about four or five months into it, he was like, Hey, so how's it going with the accounting job hunting?

Cause I'd done a few other interviews for Deloitte and things like that.

I was like, oh no.

Remember that chat we had about comedy?

He's like, oh yeah, but that's like a hobby.

Yeah.

I was like, no, no, no.

Like I'm all in.

And so he was a bit confused because I have come to realize that my parents, especially, but most parents, I would say just want to know you're going to be okay once they're gone, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's hard for him to understand how you can have this accounting degree from Melbourne uni and not use it for security and stability.

Especially when he paid for it.

Especially when he paid for it.

I know.

He knows how much went into it.

Worked his ass off.

Worked his absolute ass off.

And this guy's like, no, I'm going to go tell dick jokes to strangers for a living.

That's my calling.

So I understand his concern, but God bless him in his defense.

The next day he kind of, he was uncomfortable obviously, but the next day onwards, he just kind of was very supportive.

Always checking on me going, Hey, how was last night's gig?

And how, how'd you go?

He is the most, for someone who should be mad at me not using his, you know, hardworking resources efficiently, he's so supportive.

Like even my standup special that's on Amazon prime, he's watched it 24 times and every single time at the end, he cries just, yeah, yeah.

I jokingly say it's because he's like, oh fuck, I can't believe I wasted all this money on accounting when, you know, he's wasted it on this shit, but no, he cries because he's just so proud.

He genuinely gets a real kick out of it.

I think he, he's like me as a creative, as a performer, he loves like singing karaoke and being the center of attention, just like me.

So he's kind of happy to see, you know, and he cries like all the time.

Even a couple of days ago, I did this fundraiser for the heart foundation in Mildura and there was an MP who ended up talking about my show in parliament.

So now I'm officially in Hansard and I sent it to dad and he cried straight away.

Cause it's like for him, for us growing up in Sri Lanka, Australia is a big, scary country.

Like the dominant cricket team.

The MCG, all these big, big, you know, colossal feelings.

And for him, I'm just his idiot second child, you know?

So the fact that now my name is in parliament, like it's, I know it's nothing for us, you know, we know in the grand scheme of it, but for us it's like, yeah.

And, and even like, I'll tell you a cute moment.

There was a video I'd done, an interview I'd done on project, on the project that went like viral on WhatsApp, you know, like just randomly people will just keep sharing it.

And my dad got it a few times from like old classmates of his.

And you know, that's it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, it's just, it's a Sri Lankan guy in Australia.

He's really funny.

Check him out.

And so for dad to be able to say, oh, actually that's my son, you know, he loves that stuff.

He's really chuffed about it.

So, uh, I've always kind of been grateful that he could have easily been gone, like embarrassed about the fact that, you know, he spent all this money on me and I've gone down this path, but no, he's been unbelievably supportive.

How long did it take you before you realize you're good at it?

Oh, shit.

What a good question.

Because.

I feel like if I answer wrong, it sounds arrogant.

Um, I'll be honest to say I was good at it, huh?

A while because.

As in like a year at it or?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I re so for, when I say good, my, what I define as good changes across time.

It evolves.

So the first good was, can I be consistently funny for five minutes?

You know, always people clap or laugh.

Laugh.

So I had no laughs for the first year.

Wow.

Well, I must've had some chuckles and titters, but I think.

Because I was a fan of standup first, uh, I'm, I jokingly say I'm basically a fan boy who like duped his way into the other side of the stage.

You know what I mean?

Cause I used to pay like five, 600 bucks of money.

I didn't have to watch comedy shows during the Melbourne comedy festival.

And now like, you know, I'm part of it.

Um, I would say it took about three years before I had like a, a bit that was working like every single time I did it.

Like, and, or gigs like being booked as well.

Yeah, look again, I.

Is that a measure of success or, or is it more about how you, on a particular day or evening, the response?

I mean, how do you measure success?

Right.

So comedy is the only place I have naturally done things that then, since then reading self-help books about self-development that matches up.

Like the things I did naturally for comedy seem to be backed up by all these different, whether it's David Goggins or Tim Grover or any of these people.

It's like, oh, that's what I did.

Which was, I forgot about, I didn't care about being the best, uh, better than anyone else.

It was about how can I be better tomorrow than I was?

Like my goal every single time was to walk out of a comedy gig, a better comedian than I was when I walked in.

So even if I bombed the, there was still a victory there, which is, I learned a way not to do it.

That's way of thinking.

Right.

But I didn't know that it was for me, it was because comedy looked impossible and the fact that I was.

Even trying for me was the win because it looked like something completely out of my reach.

Something that, you know, is, is not for me just watch from afar.

So the fact that I was able to even get up from the basic framework for me, that helps me is that I was really grateful that even if I wasn't good, I got to do it.

It wasn't that I had to do it.

I get to do comedy.

And that was the joy that kept me going.

So every single time in terms of the success that you talk about, it changes.

Because initially it was like, can I get five minutes of works?

Then it was like, once I got that, can I get a second five minutes of works?

Then once I got that, then he's like, can I put these two together and have 10 minutes and then 20 and then so on.

But like, then he became about, can I become a full-time comedian?

Can I live off this?

And so I achieved that in the middle of 2016.

And I've kind of like, it sounds so arrogant, but I swear to God, I mentally have peaked in November, 2017 and everything since then is bonus.

And why November, 2017?

Because that's when mom and dad saw me perform.

As a headliner at my local comedy club in Melbourne.

So there's a photo of me and the two of them, and they look so proud.

And I realized, oh, that's what I've been chasing.

Just them seeing, cause I, this is really morbid, but I knew that I was going to do this for the rest of my life, but I was so bad at it that I didn't, I, in my head, I genuinely thought, oh, it's such a shame.

I'm bad at this because mom and dad won't be around to see me come good.

Cause I just knew I'm going to keep doing it, but I probably won't come good for another 20 years.

Um, and they might not be around to see it.

And so the fact that they did see it about seven years after I started was like this biggest victory for me.

And for, since then, I kind of just think of my career as the victory lap now.

And everything is just a cream.

Everything is a cream for me now.

I mean, I still work.

I still work harder than I ever did, but it's not from a place of lack.

It's from a place of abundance, almost going like, oh, you know, I've had a great run and if it all ends today, I'll be very sad.

I'm not going to lie.

But I know I enjoyed the.

Fuck out of it every step, step of the way, because I keep making sure I reward myself for the mini victories along the, the big part.

So when people say, you know, what's your goals and stuff like that?

I'm like, I don't want to sound arrogant, but I kind of have achieved them, you know, because all I wanted to do was be able to say, I pay rent by telling dick jokes.

You know, that's very interesting.

It sounds to me like you, I mean, you talk about Goggins and all those other self-help people, but it seems to me like you mastered mindset really early and easily.

I mean, the mindset of like.

Making the little wins all the time, making very transactional, you know, like I'm going to do better tomorrow.

I'm going to do tomorrow.

What did I learn from today?

How can I get better and better?

Now, where the hell would you work that shit out?

Like, did you read books on mindset?

Like how, how would I set myself to do well over time?

I think my brother probably helped me a lot because he did a lot more self-help and self-development reading back then than I did.

But he would feel like, you know, throw these little gems towards me.

It's only in the last, say, 10 years that.

I've taken a more active approach to learning those things.

But prior to that, I think it's my brother's influence for sure.

Like, even though the he's very existence and he's high performance, high achievements is the cause of a lot of conversations on therapy right now because I was constantly compared to him.

Like, it's not his fault that he was a good student.

He's not his fault that he was always very clean and disciplined and very like studious.

So I'll give you a good example that mom always reminds me of, which is that.

Um, when I was.

In year one, one of my classmates, moms called him, uh, called her and said, oh my God, the homework they're giving these kids are too hard.

I have to sit with my son, you know, for hours before, you know, and do the homework.

How's Dilruk handling it?

And mom's like, oh, he doesn't talk about homework.

I don't, he's probably not doing it because he's never at his tape.

He doesn't do any homework.

So then she pulled me aside and she goes, Hey, what's this homework that you're getting?

I'm like, oh yeah.

And she's like, when do you do it?

I'm like, oh, in the back of the car when you're driving to school.

So I would just do it on the way to school.

And then she called her friend, my classmate's mom.

And was like, can you believe this boy is how shameful he's doing it at the back of the class?

You know, the last minute he's just cramming it through.

And that lady was like, what are you talking about?

He's doing it on his own.

Like, that's amazing.

Like I have to sit with my son for two hours.

So mom was constantly like not seeing the result as in the fact that I would still get the good result just because I was doing it in this really haphazard chaotic way.

It w because my brother did it in a more disciplined way.

She would always be like, why can't you be more like him?

Why can't you be more like him?

So I constantly had this weird.

Shadow to try and live up to, but that very shadow is someone who supported me like unconditionally.

And my brother, like to date is my biggest confidant and my biggest supporter.

So it's funny to have someone who, whose very existence made things harder for me, but he also made sure that he supported me and pulled me up with him every step of the way, you know?

So in terms of this thing of discipline and mindset, I think it's just, we were.

Yeah, we just really enjoyed kicking goals.

And then, and I also think my brother and I joke, like we're very egotistical, but egotistical.

I like to think in a healthy way where it's like, if we're not good at something, it's an attack on our ego.

So we have to like smash it and prove to people going, no, no, fuck.

Like I deserve to be here, you know?

And I think that competitive side.

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It's something that, if it goes unchecked, you just keep trying to fight it.

It's something that, if it goes unchecked, you just keep trying to fight it.

It's something that, if it goes unchecked, you just keep trying to fight it.

And try to be better at things that you don't even give a shit about.

But because we've worked on making sure, hey, there's a side of us that's a bit darker.

Not darker necessarily, but going like, I'm not just going to win.

I'm going to fucking humiliate the competition.

I was like, all right, I need to use it once in a while.

It's like, I can't, like 80-20 it almost.

You know, do it 80% of the time, be fueled by love and happiness, but 20% just going, fuck you.

Yeah, well, that happened to me in a marathon.

So I was ready to give up at the 35-kilometer mark.

My leg was just dangling.

It felt like my left leg was not even working.

And I was like, fuck it, that'll do.

You know, I can't do another seven kilometers on this broken leg, or what felt like a broken leg.

And immediately thought of the three dudes that would be happy that I didn't finish.

Like, quote-unquote, mates of mine who you know would enjoy your downfall.

And I was so annoyed that they get that win, that my 36-kilometer was the fastest lap I'd run.

I was like, I just went, fuck you guys.

And I just kind of belted it out.

So for me, I'm very fascinated with how the mind, like,

at the 35-kilometer mark, I had nothing left in the tank.

But the 36-kilometer mark was the fastest I ran.

How can that be possible?

Because it's clearly something that's shifted there.

So I'm obsessed with that.

There's a Finnish phrase called sisu, S-I-S-U,

which means that little boost of drive you get just before you're about to quit, you know?

And I'm like, how do I keep tapping?

Now I'm fascinated that knowing that that's in me, because I never did sport as a kid.

I didn't know that I had this competitive side.

So has it given you what you...

You've raised Goggins and you've raised Tim Grover.

And you've also raised this mindset process.

And you obviously, you've used it to be successful by most measurements,

performance measurement, particularly in terms of comedy.

Let's just talk to the dark side for a second.

You've had a weight problem for a long time.

How is it you can't use, because Goggins had a weight problem.

How is it you can't use all those techniques to take control of that?

Yeah, I mean, I've thought about this a lot, because it's...

I have the blueprint.

I have the map for a healthy development, which just automatically came to me in comedy.

I've been able to apply that to alcohol.

I've been able to apply that to exercise.

But food is this massive blind spot of mine.

Why?

I think it's because the issue is that, you know,

Why? I think it's because the issue is that, you know,

Why? I think it's because the issue is that, you know,

issues or the challenges around that were formulated. The crucible was when I was a kid.

So it's-

Go back to your grandmother.

Back to my grandma. So I think the wiring or the cable laying of how I think around food-

Neurologically.

Neurologically, it's so embedded in such a formative year and then being reinforced for

a lot longer than say my habits around alcohol or my habits around laziness, you know?

Or indeed trying to be the one guy who's going to impress all his mates by being able

to drink a pint in four seconds.

Yeah. Yeah. All of that came like- It's the same wound, which is wanting to feel seen

and feel accepted into a tribe or a family. So with grandma, it was like feeling like,

oh, I don't have the same religious beliefs, so therefore I have to work for her affection.

Come to Australia, oh, I don't look like everybody else, so I have to be the brown

larrikin. Oh, whatever.

Random identity. Yeah. And so all of a sudden become big man on campus because, oh, look

at this Sri Lankan guy who's a pisshead. We've never seen that before. What a dichotomy, you

know? All those things, which is just so sad because it was a big confusion between wanting

to fit in versus belong. Because I've been constantly trying to fit in when all I wanted

was just to be accepted for who I am. And realizing that the friends that I have now

20 years later from that uni experience, they didn't care about the drinking. They were

just good people who wanted the best.

That's for me. That's why we're still friends, even though we quit drinking seven years ago

and they still drink, you know? But it just, I had miscommunicated to myself that if you

want friends, you have to be the party boy. Or if you need affection from girls, you need

to be in front of like the lecture and, you know, making all these jokes and stuff like

that. It's like, no, no, no. People like you just for who you are. You don't have to work

so hard. So the food is something that those bad, let's call it unhealthy habits of

overeating. So for example, when I describe as unhealthy, it's not about eating junk food

or anything like that. It's for me, I can eat to the point where I'm uncomfortable.

Too much food.

Way too much to the point where I'm in pain and I'm still going. And I, and it's very

frustrating because ignorance is bliss and I'm not ignorant. I can see it happen. I know

I'm taking the wrong decision, but it's like, it's really frustrating to bear witness to

it.

I don't think I'm better than that. But then seeing this someone else or something else

take control of the steering wheel. Like I'm not even kidding. I have had not, it's been

a while, maybe about a couple of years, but you know, two, three years ago would say in

the sort of just after the pandemic in one of those little pockets, I've walked in and

out of a 7-Eleven four times going to get ice cream going, no, no, I don't need it.

Get out. And I'll go back in like, no, just have an ice cream. It's no big deal. Like

just like a junkie walking in and out of, because it's like midnight.

And my body's like, my brain is like, I'm scared. I'm alone. I need a hug. I'm feeling

like depressed or whatever. It's like, yeah, go get some ice cream. That'll make you feel

better. So it's like, I walk in thinking, oh, I've got my reward, the ice cream. But

then the conscious mind is like, no, dude, you know, this is not going to make you happy.

You know, it's only going to be a little bit of satisfaction and then you're going to hate

it. So then I walk out and then I'm like, but who cares? You had a heart attack. You're

going to die anyway. You might as well have the ice cream. And then I walk back in or

like, you know what I mean? Like it just, it's this constant wrestle. It's like, I'm going

to die anyway. You know what I mean? Like it just, it's this constant wrestle. And

it, more than anything else, first step is for me is I'm trying to not shame myself for

even having a flawed, you know, handbrake on those things. So the problem I'm having

now is when I give into those temptation, I just bash myself.

In what regard? Like guilt?

Guilt. Shame.

And that makes you go and eat more.

Makes you want to eat more. So my first step right now is going, okay, let's chunk it.

The same way I was looking at going, how do I stop?

How do I stop?

How do I stop?

How do I get better at five minutes of comedy instead of worrying about an hour? Let's just

focus on that. So right now my focus is how do I be kind to myself when I give in?

When I give into it, when I give into the temptation, don't worry about the fact that

I gave in. Now we just do is like, how do I accept that just because I gave in doesn't

mean that I am not worthy of love, respect, acceptance, you know, all those things that

from myself, by the way, because this is nothing to do with other people. This is all self

inflicted shame, self inflicted.

Disappointment.

Is it shame because you're overweight or is it shame that you lack the discipline to stop

yourself from getting upset?

The second part, the discipline, because I like to hold myself in, there's a pride in

saying that I'm someone who's, you know, I look at the things that I've touched would

been able to achieve. And those aren't things that were within my grasp, you know, 10 years

ago, 15 years ago, you know, being a full time comedian, running a marathon, losing

weight, quitting drinking.

Like, these are genuinely huge milestones for me. And I fucking like, so proud of that.

And then you have the same person who is even last night, you know, finished a gig and had

an I've been I've had an exercise streak of 64 days, and I'm starting to feel stronger

and my feeling like the you know, feeling really together, but lost the battle last

night if there was a EZ Mart, and I grabbed a box of cereal and milk and fucking had cereal

at 11 o'clock at night, I don't need it. But just my brain was like, you know, you know,

I'm in Sydney, I'm alone. And you know, I didn't match with anyone on Tinder. All right,

I'll just eat my feelings in a cereal.

I want to ask you this. So sometimes, do you feel that maybe it's just not the right time

to become disciplined in respect of your food? Because if you're trying to be successful,

you've you're a kid come from another country, you went and got a university degree, you

became a citizen, you had to fit in. You had to get a job, you had to get a job, you had

to get a job, you had to get a job, you had to get a job, you had to get a job, you had

to get a job. You had to go to a university degree, you had to learn how to driving. You

had to go to a university degree, you were a business guy. You decided to give up the

drink, you then decided to run another career, pretty scary career. So they're all massive

achievements, as you said earlier, you can't achieve everything all at once. Or am I just

making excuses for you?

No, no, no, no, no. You're right.

Because there's too much.

I know. But this, don't, don't you feel like sometimes you know the truth. And if so, example,

if my, if I had a friend or my brother, let's say my brother, my best friend in the world,

came to me with all the things that I'm sharing with you, the words I say to him,

I believe about go easy on yourself. You've done enough. You can take it. Don't worry. It's too

much. Just take it step by step. All of that is true. But for some reason, I'm like, well,

that doesn't apply to me though, because I'm better than that. I can do it all. And I can't.

No one can.

No one can. But there's this some weird threat to my identity as quote unquote high achiever

or whatever that I'm like, oh, fuck, I'll do it. Most people can't, but I can. And because of that

mentality, there have been great things that have come into my life because I believe that I was

better than a particular situation. So let's say booze, right? It felt like I cannot quit drinking.

I love it too much. My identity is wrapped up in it. That's who I am. And then seven years later,

I'm like, oh, I can't believe like what I feel so much happier for doing it. I'm so grateful.

Similarly with food, I'm like, oh yeah, like,

a lot of people struggle with food, but not me. I'm going to be great. I'm going to be fine. And

I realized, no, dude, that's where you're going wrong is because it's like, it's my ego

going unchecked again. So when it was in check, oh, sorry. The threat to my ego is what pushed

me out of accounting into comedy going like, I'm not going to be a fucking accountant. I'm going

to do something better or something a bit more glamorous or whatever the fuck you want to call

it. Right. So that is the same ego mindset that pushed me out of a very cushy job, a very healthy

stable employment. Right. You'd be a partner boy now. Oh, close enough. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I

look at the, my peer group that, you know, if you had, I applied myself, I didn't, but had I applied

myself? Yeah, absolutely. Sure. But what I mean more is that it was this thing of, oh, like a God

complex. Let's put it that way. Thinking like, yeah, this is what most people will be satisfied

with, but not me. I'm going to do something a bit, you know, bit niche. That very God complex

and holding myself to that.

Standard is what's causing the most amount of distress as opposed to accepting that I,

Hey, when it comes to food, you don't have a good, um, you don't have good discipline.

That's okay. So stop making excuses for it and try to find systems that work around it. So for

example, at home I have a, like a cabinet with scotch and wine and, you know, a couple of beers

and a lot of my favorite stuff, no dramas, but I cannot keep ice cream in my freezer because I will

find it at 3am in the morning.

So the deal though is then is, is completely, you deny yourself. And in other words, don't put it in your freezer.

Yeah. Because I would like to think of someone and being like, oh no, no deal. You're better than that.

You can, you can, you know, resist temptation. And I'm like, but I can't, like, why am I denying?

Like, because it's cooler to say that, oh yeah, I used to be obese, but now I don't, yeah, it's a problem.

I've put the lid on. I'm fine. It's no, I constantly yo-yo. And I think it's because the, my A food, you have to eat some.

That's the problem for me is that you always need nutrition, right? But that healthy amount of nutrition is so close to my biggest indulgence,

which is overeating to the point of pain, you know? So it's like, I'm always treading a fine line.

So with alcohol, let's see, if you think of it as a monster, right? I think there's a Godzilla movie that kind of resembled this concept,

which is that you have to let it go, cause a bit of destruction.

And then it can go back and settle for another few days or whatever.

So with booze, I was able to trap it, crush it, and starve it of oxygen to the point where it's dead.

And I don't genuinely, like, I still miss alcohol here and there, but it's not an issue.

I can sit around you and people drinking and I'm completely fine.

But food is always something that you're constantly tasting or, you know, I'm very close to my addiction in that one, you know?

Well, again, if I asked you this question, I mean, and I think you're only 38,

so maybe it's not really a question.

It's a question for you at this stage of your life, but you did have a heart attack.

Yeah.

If I said to you, how old do you want to be when you die?

Do you want to get married?

Do you want to have kids?

I mean, how long do you think you need to live in order to achieve some other things?

Right.

So I've kind of mapped out towards 80.

Okay.

So 4,000 weeks and you're about halfway.

So for me, to the extent where I actually might be getting,

I'm trying to see if I can do it.

I'm trying to see if I can order one of those, you know, those death calendars, which show you how much you have like left for your, in terms of weeks.

Yeah, there's a book written, it's called 4,000 Weeks.

It's a very famous book.

Right, I didn't know that.

That's assuming you can live to the statistical 81.

Okay.

So you're nearly halfway.

Okay.

So you've got, let's say you've got 2,000 weeks left.

Yeah.

It's terrifying.

It's not many.

No, it's not many at all.

And especially because you see how quickly it just keeps, you know, we're getting closer now.

What are you going to do in those 2,000 weeks?

So what does the book want to achieve?

Yeah.

You want to become a comedian, you did that, okay?

You want to come to Australia, you did that.

You want to get a degree, you did that.

You want to be accepted, you did that, okay?

You did all that.

But if I said to you, you've got 2,000 weeks, mate, what do you want to achieve in the next 2,000 weeks?

Abs and threesomes.

No, I, that's genuinely, that's the last thing I want to do.

No, definitely, look, I might not actually open up about the things I do want to achieve necessarily.

But okay, let's say, okay, abs, it was a joke answer, but it kind of is true.

It's something that I know is so hard to achieve, like having visible abs.

Well, if you lose weight, you get abs.

I know, but it's still like, like I have friends who are-

Did you have abs in that photo?

Which one, as a child?

You might not even be in the photo, but when you were that little kid, that little skinny little kid.

Yeah, watching Arnold Schwarzenegger, of course.

You probably had abs.

You probably had abs.

I probably had abs back then, and you're saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, I see what you're trying to get at.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in 2020, when the lockdowns were happening, I had nothing else to do.

I got like a lockdown.

I lost another 30 kilos, so a total of 50 kilos, and I was down to like almost very little body fat.

But because I used to be obese, the loose skin was kind of around, and I couldn't fully get the six pack, but I could see the first two.

So I was like getting-

Two pack.

Two pack, yeah, exactly.

I was getting so close, right?

Now, why did I bring this up?

Oh, yeah, I know that abs actually mean nothing, right?

Like it's not functional necessarily.

It's not like you're better off having stronger quads, better lower back, all those things, right?

But I have a wiring that has told me, oh my God, if you have abs, then you are in this 0.0% of the world or whatever.

And for whatever reason, ego, whatever you want to call it, I want to be part of that club.

It's why I did the marathon, because I know only 1% of the people in the world can do it.

I like doing things that majority of the world would say too hard.

You know?

So to me, that's what I'm trying to do.

That's what I'm trying to do.

That's what I'm trying to do.

And to me, that is a goal that's fascinating because I don't have a strong enough why to do it.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, it's like, I say to myself, oh, yeah, I want abs, but I'm like, but why?

We might be able to get them in 10 years.

Yeah.

Because it's-

There's no rush.

But it's bullshit.

It's all bullshit because there's no reason for me to do it.

I've just told myself, convinced myself that that's important to have, but it's fucking not.

And I know it.

So it's this weird thing that I'm caught in between where I'm sad that I don't have it.

But I also realize I don't really actually want it.

I just want it to feel part of a club that I don't belong to or whatever.

You know, again, it's not about belonging.

It's not like saying, hey, I want good abs because that will help me, you know, longevity.

And when I'm 80, be able to pick myself up if I fall down.

Like, those are the reasons I should be working towards-

But at least you said you wouldn't even make 80.

Sorry about that, man.

You're so right.

It's bullshit though.

You're spot on.

This is why I'm saying-

You won't fucking make it.

The system's flawed because I'm focused-

No, your system is flawed.

That's what I'm saying.

Your thinking system.

You've got such a good mindset.

For everything else except for food and exercise.

Yeah, but think about it.

Like, you're a smart guy.

Yeah.

I mean, by the way, if you didn't want to lose weight and you'd want to be this-

Yeah, yeah.

That's different.

I'd accept that too.

Correct.

But it's because I'm not.

But you don't want it.

You do want to lose it.

Right.

So this is where I remember I said ignorance is bliss.

The dichotomy between the conscious version of me that is watching me do the bad habit.

It's almost like zooming out going, hey man, you had a heart attack 18 months ago.

Why the hell are you walking into this fried chicken place and ordering a whole chicken

instead of just, okay, go to the fried chicken, have it, sure, but why do you have to have

a family size?

Yeah.

Why can't you just stop at that?

So that's literally what I'm working on with a kinesiologist.

I'm trying to work on it with-

What does that do?

I don't know, man.

But I don't even know what a kinesiologist is.

I'm genuinely, this is that, I'm going to limit how much I talk about that because I'm

new to it.

It's how you feel, isn't it?

It's about your feeling in here.

Oh, man.

She just grabs my hand, does some weird stuff and taps and then suddenly goes, oh, when

you were eight, did you feel like you weren't accepted to do something?

I'm like, what happened at eight?

Oh, that would have been 2093.

Oh, yes.

Fuck it.

And then so somehow-

Of course I did.

Yeah.

I don't know if it's placebo effect.

I don't know if it actually works, whatever it is, I don't care because the placebo effect

works.

So after my last kinesiology session, I reckon I went a good six weeks of not binge eating.

And when I say that's a big difference between enjoying food and what I do.

So this is binge eating.

We're talking where we eat beyond the point of satisfaction, right?

That's the frustrating part.

As you said, I appreciate you saying you're an intelligent man because I like to think

I am.

So can you imagine how annoying it is?

Yeah.

To have the awareness that you're doing the wrong thing and still not being able to course

correct.

That's the hard part.

So like I said, with kinesiology, that six weeks was going well.

Then I had a couple of, a good friend of mine in comedy, she passed away and that the system

started crumbling a bit and it was like, find sugar, find high cholesterol food.

You'll feel better if you eat those things.

So I'm struggling a bit again, but the only difference between me now and say six years

ago.

I still make mistakes.

I still relapse with overeating.

But the time it takes for me to get back on track is getting shorter and shorter.

Yeah, so you're improving all the time.

I'm still getting better.

And that's why I said earlier that the challenge for me now is not to bash myself when it happens.

That's the first issue is because it causes this shame spiral.

But if I can learn to go, hey, you messed up, or rather, hey, you slipped up again, that's okay.

We can start again.

That's okay.

That's exactly how you did your comedy.

Exactly.

And I can't seem because with food, for some reason, it's so ingrained.

It was like from the age of nine, constantly being told you're too fat or you can't play this game because you're too small.

Or this outfit for the drama club, oh, it's tight on you, so we can't give you the role.

We'll have to give the role to someone else because you're too.

It's just so embedded into my DNA that I am physically unhealthy.

I'm constantly falling back into that equilibrium.

So do you think it's the story of you?

Do you think that in your mind?

It's a story I've told myself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because there's a very good book called Neurocomic.

Oh.

Yeah.

And I'll get Jess to, maybe we'll buy you a copy and send it to you.

Oh, that's very kind.

And it's written by a neuroscientist and a illustrator, a comedic illustrator.

And what they do is they take you through the process.

They take you through the process of how your neurological system forms

and how in the end it results in all our actions actually end up affirming

who we think we are, the story about ourselves.

Yes.

So you just tell me the story about yourself ever since I've been nine.

And so Doruk's story is that he was an overweight kid

and it's all part of your story.

But it also talks about plasticity of the brain.

Yeah.

And how you can actually make changes.

Yeah.

And it's written in a sort of.

It's written in a sort of funny way, which you know that you'll get.

It's a very easy book to read, but it's quite a brilliant book about bringing home to us

that at the end of the day, we build a story about ourselves throughout our lives.

We form neurological connections in our own brain about who we are.

And then we keep doing all those things in our life to affirm that's who we are.

And that's how we can create really bad habits.

Yes.

The good news is you can change that through plasticity or the brain,

its ability to change.

Which is really important.

And I just thought, I read that book many years ago.

I was a big drinker and I wasn't trying to be accepted.

Well, I sort of was because the group I was hanging around with, that's what they did.

Yeah.

Growing up, we all just drank a lot and we drank way, way over too much.

And we made a lot of mistakes.

In my case, it wasn't weight, but it was just getting in trouble, you know.

And whenever I used to drink, I used to get in a lot of trouble.

But I read this book and I thought, fuck, hang on.

I've got to be.

I can be different and it made me change.

And this book, I read this book 25 years ago or something like that.

It's been around for a long time, but it's a bloody good book, but it's about

understanding how you think, but you can't do all these things at once.

You've got shitloads of things going on in your life.

You're really busy all the time, as your case, traveling.

Yeah.

Fucking hotel room, hotel room.

It's too easy.

You know, one of the things I do, you know, I hate it about myself.

I, if I'm in a hotel room, a good hotel, that is.

And the first thing I do.

When I come back from wherever I'm doing and I get there back at nine o'clock at night,

I turn the telly on and look in the fridge and they've got a fucking Kit Kat.

I am going to eat that Kit Kat.

I will never buy a Kit Kat outside of a hotel room.

But if you see there.

But as soon as I'm in a hotel, my brain says, oh, Kit Kat, have a Kit Kat.

And, uh, I don't know what that is or what it is.

It just makes me feel happy that whatever the chocolate is, but I will never do it anywhere else.

Right, right.

Now think of that.

Mindset and apply to every fucking food that's out there.

That's now you understand.

Even like I have the capacity to binge salad.

Of course I can, but it's, it's not as, it's not as destructive as knowing that if I do it with fried chicken or ice cream,

let's just say those as examples, because I think it comes back to control.

So when my life feels out of balance, whether it's death of a loved one, um, you know,

relationship issues, whatever, you feel like you are not in control of what's happening in your

life. But choosing a destructive behavior feels like incorrectly, but it does feel like I'm still

in control because even though this is quote unquote bad for me, I'm going to do it anyway

because I'm in charge of my life. So for me, it's a loss of control, feeling like I don't have any

control in my life that leads me to certain destructive behaviors. And the other thing that

you mentioned is so spot on. So two things, one is you talked about, you can't do everything. And

I think it's so true because if you look at discipline as a muscle, it's like, if you're

being disciplined about not drinking, not making sure you get your work done, all this stuff,

it's hard that muscle atrophies by the end of the day to try and choose a healthy option.

So that's why, because I know this about myself, I know what works for me is things like meal prep.

You know, if on Sunday I cook whatever I need to eat across the week,

I will...

I will stick to it because what happens is it's not that I don't have the knowledge. Like that's

the, you know, we are beyond that point. I know what I need to know. There's nothing more that

people can tell me. There's just some blocks that are happening that I quickly, and traps that I

fall into. So for example, during the Melbourne Comedy Festival, my busiest time of the year,

you know, coincidentally was when I was filming Utopia, right? The TV show. So

I'd finished my standup show at like 1030, somehow tried and fall asleep by 11 to wake up at 5am

to go film from six till 7pm and then go do the standup show again.

So I'm like, all right, this is going to be a month of zero space because in between I'm going

to have to learn lines and blah, blah, blah. So I told my personal trainer, hey, you have a client

who's a chef, right? Can you tell him what my macros and calories are? So I pay him, the chef,

like it was quite expensive, but he would deliver me my food for the week. So that way I knew out

of sight, out of mind, I just need to go here. You systemize it, right? So you work that. So

that's that discipline muscle thing going, okay, I don't have to worry about it. I'm going to throw

money at it because...

Fuck, I know my shortcomings.

I'm also making some money, so...

I'm also making money. It's an investment in my longevity, right? The other thing that you

pointed out about the identity shift. So when I went, when I made the decision to try and get

healthier, start of 2018, the thing I told myself and people laugh, but I think people who get it

understand what I was doing, which then later got verified by that book, Atomic Habits. But

what I did in the first two weeks was I told myself, there's no exercise necessary,

all you have to do for the first two weeks is to wear activewear. Just get up in the morning and put

the shoes on, put the activewear on. And it sounds silly, but on day four, I think it was, or day

three, I refused to do it. There was something in my brain saying, nah, I can't be bothered. And my

brain's like, and I'm telling myself like a child, hey man, just wear it. You don't have to do

anything afterwards. Just put on the outfit. And still I was like, no, don't want to do it. Like

there's some weird resistance to...

At the time, two exercise that I had that I knew for whatever reason, it's embedded in me.

So by just breaking it down into the first step is just wearing the outfit. And then when I wore it

and I went for a walk, it's like, I feel like an idiot if I, sorry, if I went for coffee, I feel

like an idiot if I don't do something with it. So then I'll get the coffee and just do a little walk.

And then the walk became, I'll walk for a minute and a half and run for 30 seconds, then do that

maybe four times. And then I got this app called Couch to 5K that slowly kind of increased it.

And then, yeah, the punchline fast forward 20 months later, I did the whole marathon.

But it starts with just teaching myself, hey, you're someone who wears active wear. Like that

was the first step, which like the experiment proved, I had a resistance to initially. So

imagine trying to tell myself, hey, you'd run 42 kilometers when I didn't even want to wear the

outfit. You know what I mean? That's how bad it was. So that's exercise. So to date, I'm so grateful

that I love exercising now. So whether it's running, gym. So gym, again, hated it. The reason

I got into it is because I told myself...

And this is because of Atomic Habits now. The outfit was just on my own, on my brother,

I can't remember. But Atomic Habits gave me this idea, which is that I hated the gym,

but I do love Eminem. So he released a new album. And I was like, all right, you can only listen to

this if you're in the gym. So all of a sudden, I'm like, fuck, the reward is to listen to the song,

not to work out. So then I put on my outfit and I'd go. And again, you feel like an idiot just

sitting on the bench, listening to the music, bobbing your head. You're like, oh, fuck,

I better lift some weights.

You have to compete.

You have to do something.

So then I started doing it. And before you know it, like, an hour later, I've done my workout,

you know. And so now I'm at that stage where I'm like, loving the feeling, the process,

the reward of exercising is doing the activity, not the weight loss, not the fitness. So I've

fixed that as well. But food, I can't fucking do it.

Can I ask you a question then?

Yes.

If I asked you, and I'm going to ask you this, but if you could, on average, I mean,

there's obviously a very wide audience that you appear.

In front of, and who cheer you and who actually enjoy your comedy,

whether it's on TV or however it is at the comedy festival, whether it's live or it's on television,

it doesn't really matter. On average, how would you say those people in maybe one sentence of

maybe 10 or 12 words would describe you, describe Dilruba?

So the audience watching?

Watching, watching either live or on television, it doesn't really matter. How would they describe,

it's that's the dude, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Right.

Dilruba is blah, blah, blah, how would they describe him?

I was just saying, so it would hopefully, fuck I hope, funny is given. But then afterwards,

I think-

There's the guy who is the funny guy?

Funny guy from Sri Lanka, I would say is the first thing.

Brown skin.

Yeah, brown.

Funny guy.

Yeah.

Funny guy.

How would they describe him? How do you think they would describe him? Heavyweight guy?

Yeah, well, I think there's definitely a sense of like, there's like, there's this like, I think, there's definitely a sense of like, there is like, there is like, this sort of like, you know, like, as it was just starting to go, unknown.

a sense of like there is like this shifting identity oh he's the guy that lost a lot of

weight and like now it's like oh he's the guy who's put on weight again and now he's the heart

attack guy or now he's the accounting guy like there is definitely i think it just depends on

what so he's a brown skin guy from sri lanka is really funny that's that's the consistent part i

think he's got his weight fluctuates word fluctuates yes yes yes yes yes and he talks

about his challenges and mental health that's what i would say subconsciously you're probably

thinking that but maybe i wonder if you're consciously that's who you are you've identified

yourself right by them they've they've identified you you think they've identified you as a dude

because maybe let's say all of a sudden you lost i know you got down to 75 kilos yeah which i did

in 2020 and it looks pretty weird actually skinny yeah yeah that's my point yeah do you think they

might think of you a bit differently yeah so is that a problem no i think or are you funny because

you are who you look like so this is a great great pocket to chat about which is in 2016

was my funniest show yet so i've luckily done funny one since but at the time it was my

let's call it a breakout show because that was the deal what were your deal then so so so that

was the show that you know the people from working dog who do have you been paying attention and

utopia they came and watched me they're like great let's let's see if you can do have been like

everything starts with that 2016 show not everything but you know a lot of big steps

back at this 2016 show and 95 of the material was about being a fat piss head like it was either

about being obese or being an alcoholic so you're getting rewarded for that so then it hit me going

hey man no wonder you can't lose weight is because you have taken something that causes you pain

found a way to celebrate it which is probably a good thing to begin with but now but now they're

confirming it and you're now paying rent of it and as all of these things are happening like

it's like oh well i have like and so then i realized

is this what i've signed up to to constantly keep fucking up in life and then sharing it in

a humorous way even though it's really a cry for help so the following year i made a rule

2017 no jokes about my weight zero fat jokes i quit drinking by that point one year in

no jokes about alcohol and no jokes about weight and sure enough a year later i lost the weight

it's because once i started to shed this identity for myself the story i've told myself this is why

people like me and so now i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my

god i think the pocket i'm in now is the post heart attack challenge which is that i quit

drinking i um lost a lot of weight i've started getting fitter and healthier and then still had

a heart attack that's the block that i'm having now which is finding enthusiasm to be healthy

knowing that that i nearly died anyway do you know what i mean like so now i'm in this

existential challenge of going what's the point of looking after my body

and i tried it last time i you know you died anyway yeah and and and and the the truth is

the opposite the truth is exercise saved my life which is that i had this 80 block in my artery i

felt no pain because of all the running i was doing my cardio system was so strong that it

kept pumping through the block you know so exercise literally saved my life and made it painless

but it's hard for me to internalize that feeling because it's like god damn it like especially

when i think of like you know uh

like now when i push when i'm running and you're feeling out of breath i i kind of start getting

like a panic attack almost going fuck is it happening again and it's just fitness you know

but it's hard to shake off the fear of what i went through uh you know last year because i keep

thinking oh no it's happening again it's happening again it's like no no it's not just keep pushing

i've got a stent in you know but you know what i mean like it feels natural to feel

that my confidence has taken a hit so that's where

the the block i think with with with terms of food has come to which is that going what's the

point i like eating and i like exercising so why don't i just keep eating shit and keep exercising

and stay in this equilibrium which is not true this is not who i want to be yeah but it's what

i default to what do you think david goggins would say if you sit here oh i said shut the

fuck up and stop being a bitch and all those sorts of things so i've i've realized that i

have these two voices i have a referred to as the monk and the drill sergeant and the drill sergeant

is effectively goggins but the monks the more holistic going hey you know what i'm saying

you're doing you're doing good you've done well and hey be proud of the fact that you don't give

up that's the other thing for me is that i have to remind myself going hey the fact that you even

still give a shit is amazing the fact that you still check in with yourself you keep trying you

fall you keep trying you keep going you keep going that is in itself something to be proud of

and not bash myself as much as i do for so right now here's a good example uh my five kilometer

should be i should be happy yeah but i can't or i've struggled to find joy because two years ago

i was doing 22 minute 5ks so i'm like how the fuck did i lose you know all that's pacing in two years

carrying it all carrying all heart attack everything depression all of that's wrapped

in there that's the full story but my type a personality is focused on the stats going ah

used to do four four minute 20 second kilometers now you're doing seven minutes

how how embarrassing you're a failure go home and eat your feelings you know like instead of going

no no no dude you're still trying well done look at this five years ago you couldn't walk uh 100

meters without sweating now you're like upset because you did you know a 5k in 35 like it's

not the like for me the fact that 5k is now my normal you know that should be the reward the

fact that i hey running 5ks is not a challenge it's just what i do now but i don't think like

that i'm focused on the trajectory being like oh man i used to be so much faster you know i

you know i i'm focused on the trajectory being like oh man i used to be so much faster

i i i i i i'm gonna wrap it but i i want to say this to you um

i think that this conversation for me you've enlightened me on some things in relation to what

i was thinking about myself in relation to some things um because sometimes i'm too hard on myself

because like expectations of myself are way way too high i do want to say to you is that i mean i

want to thank you for your honesty like the way you talk today your honesty um but i i do think

that

the best lesson that i've got out of listening to you is how you became a good comedian it took

years to become a good comedian based on whatever i did today i'm going to do a bit better tomorrow

instead of beating yourself up too hard yeah and i've been thinking about that in relation to

something i'll be working on for myself so maybe that is the solution don't be too tough on

yourself don't expect things to happen too fast and just keep doing what you're doing because it

it seems to me it's worked you're a kid who's come from another country

brown-skinned kid which you know is a tough environment open up and you know trying to do

stuff in melbourne become you know on the university campus trying to become accepted

by a whole lot of other guys girls not an easy thing to do you've broken through a lot you have

done a lot of good things yeah your system is good it is yes can i tell you maybe what to sort of

help us to wrap up i guess is i think for me it comes down to the marshmallow test of delayed

gratification that is probably the most important thing that i've ever done in my life and i've

if i would identify a weakness of mine it is in sitting with the delayed gratification

when i was able to enjoy so the marshmallow test for those of you who don't know

is you give give a kid a marshmallow tell if you wait a certain amount of time

uh you'll get a second one and if you if you eat it beforehand you don't get the reward right so

that's a perfect framework to describe everything that we've taught which is with comedy the waiting

is an enormous process you have to actually practice it so i'll give you a little bit of

a summary of the first time um yes it was a little bit of a struggle then it was a little bit of timing

but but still it was a very good experience and i had a hard time falling asleep because i was

just like oh my god what is this like i was allowed to do it was so much fun to walk with

the entire team of people um it was a sort of like it was it was a real pleasure so yeah i

love catching up with people and at the same time i'm happy to get to know the people and i'm happy to

studying in school like back then there was the delayed gratification was going if i apply myself

to this mom will reward my efforts by buying me a game boy or a a computer just for the effort the

the the reward was already in the in the delaying you know what i mean like i can sit with the

discomfort because i know it's coming the weight loss i did it with a friend of mine ben uh with

your podcast called fit bet which is wrapping up but we have uh about 250 episodes you can listen

to there the reward was in the reward as much as a punishment which is that if i don't um eat

carefully or if i don't exercise then he's going to win the bet the thousand bucks the thousand

bucks so all of a sudden now my you know reward or punishment is present tense but now where i'm at

with food when i overeat the damage of that is in the future

not in the present so therefore the punishment doesn't feel immediate yeah and same with the

reward of of eating healthy there is no big nutritional there's not a noticeable difference

not noticeable today today but i have to find a way to gamify my my system to get a reward from

eating healthy today so i have little apps that are like streaks and all these sorts of things or

sending photos to my parents saying hey look at this you know omelet i made

and they'll say hey well done and that's like my knowing that i value their approval that it's

going to fuel me you know what i mean and i also know i have a what's the word a silver bullet if

i want to use it which is my ego again that if i put this out publicly like okay so today on your

podcast if i said hey guys public now yes if i said how you know what in four years time or two

years time i'm gonna have six pack and if i actually put it out there i know that my insecurities are

going to be like okay i'm gonna have six pack and if i actually put it out there i know that my

insecurities are going to be like okay i'm gonna have six pack and if i actually put it out there

you know but i don't want to do that anymore because i want to learn how to i need to learn

how to not disappoint myself because in that other version i am only doing it to not disappoint the

people who follow me on instagram or whatever and that's not at uni when you're friends at uni

correct instead of going no no you your opinion of yourself is what matters so i need to get better

at not disappointing myself because i'm

so used to letting myself down but i will never let i don't know never but i rarely let other

people down you know so as soon if i said to you mark man whatever reason it's important to you to

have that i have six pack in two years i'm like man i'll do it for you no worries and i'll get

shredded for no reason but it should be for me no totally and and so that's where my block is is it

comes down to that delayed gratification is like how long can i sit with so now what i'm working

through is telling myself going okay you want a fit body

how about we don't put our goal as november 17th you know which is from i'll tell you why

specifically because i'll be performing at the opera house and i was like oh my god that's so

fucking cool i need to look as you know trim as possible because it's going to be taped i'm like

shut up who gives a fuck about that how about two years from now you say to yourself i'm going to be

in the best shape of my life and you slowly build to that and learn to sit with this idea that this

is a long game whereas i'm so fueled by sprinting and i'm like no i'm not going to do that i'm going to

no you're not a sprinter you're a marathon runner slowly build to what you can actually achieve

rather than getting upset that oh fuck i didn't do this hardcore weight loss in one month and you

know missed my target so what's the point let's just eat more fried chicken you know i i i just

think the biggest lesson i got out of this whole discussion is um how important it is to know

you're not only know yourself but know how to hack your own brain yeah yeah and that's what

you're talking about huh you're hacking your own brain i yeah and and all the time and and and

it's frustrating to feel like i have to no it doesn't matter i know it works it's and i think

your point is you gotta do it for yourself you gotta do it for yourself you gotta hack your own

brain otherwise you're not if you're not hacking your own brain it means you're doing for somebody

else so i reckon hacking your own brain actually you're outsmarting your own brain yeah you're

it comes from understanding totally you first need to understand what your shortcomings are

and how you operate and then it's a case of going okay given this is the the framework or the wiring

that i have i can't just apply what my brother did

or you know i can see my brother he is good balance you know and he's my closest comparison

genetically and everything and i always keep going well if he can you know eat balanced surely i can

and i've had to go no you can't you're someone who's either completely you're not david goggins

either right yeah exactly yeah i'm not exactly but i keep thinking that going oh well if he's

doing it and i'm not doing that then i must be a failure but i think it's good to get those people

to inspire you perhaps or perhaps motivate you a bit or inspire you but now you've got to work

out your own process yeah your own technique

yeah and i i so and i think that hacking your own brain which is by the way it's a very difficult

thing because your brain's pretty smart yeah you know like and it's got all these behaviors in

there oh and he knows all your insecurities and it's going to tap you on the shoulder and say

constantly hang on to a rook yeah you're in the room you're on your own you're feeling lonely

you're out of your comfort zone you're in the city uh just go down the iga down the road there

and uh you know rip in but it's a pretty clever but i think it's just as bad as the

courageous as leaving an accounting job and becoming a standard comedian right

you got the courage yeah i appreciate that you've got that thank you i do appreciate

and again i appreciate that coming from you because you've obviously you you work in you

you're exposed to the world of high like high performers jeremy and and for me though i think

someone's physical discipline of discipline around their health forget forget size let's

talk about health and what's choosing good options for them to me is a really good character trait

do you know i mean i can it's it's really unfair because i given the fact that i'm someone who

struggles with it to say this but it's true i think someone who's able to find uh a mastery

of their own health to as as much as possible we all know that you can get a diagnosis of cancer

out of nowhere and fucks you up but we know that ignoring that but you doing the best you can for

yourself to me is a sign of someone who's not able to do that and i think that's a really good

example of someone who values themselves and for me the fact that i struggle with that particular

element shows me that i have a lot more work to do about self-esteem and going why is it that i'm okay

disappointing myself why have i convinced myself that yeah i can't let other people down but you

know if you make a promise to yourself and you don't keep it who cares you don't you know you're

full of shit anyway do you know i don't think people do okay no i know but i'm saying it's like

i need to remind myself that i need to do these things for me yeah and you need to care i need to

care correct and so it's like understanding why is it that i don't why is it that i can make a

promise to myself and then break it you know why why can't i why isn't it enough that only i am

disappointed you know that should be enough and you don't need to please everybody just yourself

yeah yeah gotta be a bit selfish you know it's it's and i i guess you know for anybody this is

he's a funny bastard this guy he's a comedian and i but i just i don't know i apologize but at the

same time i'm pretty happy about it um that we talked about some heavy

stuff yeah i'm in relationship for somebody who's such a funny bastard and uh so the the the

the interaction of the two is very very curious to me and what i want to wish you is another

3 000 good weeks okay that's going to take you 100 oh great thank you mate i appreciate that

i wish you for those yeah yeah yeah it's up to you to achieve it right how about i yeah i'll

come back in two years with my six pack and i'll do this again and see what the inside

i just want you to live for another 3 000

i appreciate that man

thank you for listening to another episode of straight talk with mark boris

audio production by jessica smalley production assistants jonathan leondis and dimitri gramos

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